Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
