You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
