This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
