put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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