I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
