Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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