ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
