Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
