I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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