I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
