dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
