so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
