Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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