when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
