Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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