Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Randomize
