Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
