you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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