And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
