The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
