Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
