why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
