Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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