How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
