This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
