His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
