Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
