the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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