All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
