I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
