I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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