also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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