i just google imaged poop.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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