and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
