my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
someone owes me an orgasm
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
