I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
