Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
