Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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