The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
