glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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