they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
