I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
