so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
