i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
