did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Of course I have a pirate flag
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
