Yo dont text me then not text me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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