I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
