Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
