just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
