well you can't waste a boner
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
