when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
